I often wonder what it would have been like to lose this baby, our first biological baby, without being in the reality of just saying goodbye to the baby who made us parents through foster care.

It’s a different pain, and the pain of having to drop of the boy who we had the honor of parenting for close to 11 months and never pick him up again always overshadows it.

But it’s a pain that hurts deeply. One that mourns the “could haves” and “should haves”. Every Sunday I think to myself “oh, I should be ____ weeks pregnant today”. And as we get closer to that 20 weeks mark I often find myself wondering if we’d be a having a boy or a girl. I wonder if my morning sickness and exhaustion would have worn off by now. I wonder what it would feel like as they’d kick and move around. I wonder if they’d look more like me, or like Ty. I wonder how we’d handle the newborn season a second time. And I mourn that none of those things are being answered or experienced.

I can’t wait to meet you in Heaven one day baby Hinders. You are so loved though we only knew you for such a short time.