“I’m so sorry” the ultrasound technician said as our midwife placed her hand on my leg and Ty placed his hand on my shoulder in that dark room that was now silent.
I had been pleading with Jesus the entire time the tech was moving the wand around the warm gel on my belly; talking about what she was seeing; where things were, what was mis-shaped, what was missing. “Please Jesus, no” is all I could say in my mind.
We traveled to Costa Rica in December as a step of taking care of ourselves while grieving the goodbye of the boy who made us parents through foster care. At the very end of that trip we found out that we were expecting a baby that would be all ours. I blogged a little about the morning we found out here. And to top it off, that baby would be due in September, the month we said the hardest goodbye of our lives to our foster baby. September would be a month that He would redeem with this little baby of ours. Our little redemption baby.
We came home from Costa Rica and spent Christmas, which I had been dreading originally, rejoicing with our immediate families. We rearranged the house. We cleared out my office to make a nursery nook. I felt so hopeful. So encouraged.
We chose our midwife and had our first appointment and everything looked great. I even started taking bump photos. I wanted to document that my little belly was growing and it wasn’t just bloating like I had been telling myself.
I was 9 weeks and 2 days along when we went in to check on things and to see that sweet babe. I filled out paperwork, and we even downloaded an app to get ultrasound scans sent straight to our phones. Scans that we’d end up never getting, because what should have been a joyous occasion, ended in deafening silence and devastation. My body hadn’t recognized it yet, in fact I still had the exhaustion and nausea that day, but we lost our baby.
I never would have guessed that this would be how this baby’s story ends. That we would experience what so many dear friends have experienced. That our little redemption baby wouldn’t meet us here on earth.
It isn’t supposed to be this way. Death and loss and pain were never part of the plan. Before this last year, I never really understood why people pleaded for Jesus to come back soon. I hadn’t experienced anything that made me realize how much greater Heaven will be. But now all I can say, over and over again, is come soon Jesus. I am so ready for you to wipe every tear and to make everything new again.
Your blog posts are so beautiful. You’re doing amazing things, keep it up!