I’m finding that while walking through grief, it’s easy to start feeling guilt and regret. And while I don’t think either are healthy or helpful, there are some things that I regret that I want to be productive with.
I never once thought of how little man’s mom must have been feeling after her children were removed. Never once. And in the spirit of transparency, I actually had a judgmental heart.
But now I know the pain she was feeling. With every ounce of my being I feel it. I feel the void, the ache. The situations are different. He wasn’t moved from us because of safety concerns, but I think I can confidently say the pain was excruciating for her, just as it is for me.
I also rarely updated her. In our situation, it would have been safe to do so, but instead I waited for her to reach out to ask for updates and pictures. I was worried that it would feel like I was rubbing it in that he was with us; happy and thriving. That it would bring the hurt she felt to the surface.
But now I know that the hurt is always at the surface, and getting photos/updates doesn’t make me feel the hurt more or less, but it helps ease my soul a little in that moment. To see him happy, to hear about him crawling and standing on his own. The hurt never goes away, I think it always will hurt, but I treasure those little glimpses into how he’s doing.
I wish I would have given his momma more of those glimpses while he was with us. I can’t change that, so instead I’m coming here to encourage my friends who are foster parents or thinking about being foster parents to do so.
I get that there are often safety concerns to be conscious of, and maybe some parents won’t be as receptive, but try. Do everything you can to put aside judgment and walk in the hurt with these parents who made bad choices and now have to live through the grief of losing their children. Cheer them on, help give them hope, and update them often on how their babies are doing. ♥️