307 days of having the honor of being your momma, but this weekend I will have to load you up and say goodbye forever as you are moved to be with your siblings.
307 incredible days…
Of learning everything there is to know about you & being your momma. Of watching you grow from a tiny 8 pound scrunchy newborn to a healthy, chunky and wild boy. Of seeing all of your firsts. Of seeing your scrunchy nose smile and the way you light up when Nollie, TyTy or I walk into the room. Of watching your little hands and feet twist in circles when you’re excited. Of learning what you love, and don’t love. Of being the one you wrap your little arms around so tightly when something scares you. Of hearing your sweet little voice sing as I sing you to sleep. Of holding you during naps because the way your curl your little body into mine and place your hand on my chest makes me forget everything I had on my nap time to-do list. Of hearing you learn new words like your favorite…dog, and hearing your learn to say our names; TyTy and LaLa; the way you stick your whole tongue out to say LaLa gets me every time.
I’m not really sure how to continue to be a good momma in the next few days, knowing how the week is going to end. I don’t know how to make the tears stop long enough to function; how to not want to spend every minute in the shower as I pretend each droplet of scalding water is washing away a tiny bit of my pain.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to pack up all your stuff into a stupid bag to send with you. Like a bag is enough to hold everything I want to send with you to make it feel more like home for you.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to go through thousands of images and make sure I put the right ones in your memory books. How do I condense 10 months of giggles, smiles, milestones and memories into a few photos when I so desperately want it to be perfect and enough for you to feel how loved you are by us.
And I really don’t know how I’m going to load you in a car knowing you’ll never expect that you won’t get to come home in a few hours. I know what waits at the end of that ride but you don’t, and there’s nothing that breaks my heart more in this whole thing.
So sweet boy, I pray you know how radically loved you are. I pray that you never ever question if you are wanted. I pray for your resilience and your transition. I pray that we made a difference in your life; that you grow healthy and strong because of the love you’ve experienced in our home. And I pray that you come to know Jesus as you grow and that we get to be in Heaven together one day.
